


Behind the Scenes

by Madkin



Category: Victorious
Genre: Anxiety, Bade (Victorious), Depression, F/M, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-10-28 17:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10835910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madkin/pseuds/Madkin
Summary: He's not annoyed that she was mean. He's annoyed because his talented, complex girlfriend will be acting out a caricature of herself once again./ A darker look at Beck and Jade (and possibly the whole cast if I'm inspired).





	1. Pilot & Bird Scene

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is going to be a little different from other fanfictions I’ve written. It’s kind of a darker version of Assumed Moments (on fanfiction.net). It’s not the same and I won’t be making the same narrative choices. It’s just essentially a different way to interpret what happened off screen with Beck and Jade.
> 
> This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression.

**Pilot**

Jade glares at her boyfriend as they leave Sikowitz’s class. “Seriously?” 

Beck avoids her gaze as best he can considering that they’re holding hands and walking to the same place. Once they reach Jade’s scissor-covered locker, he finally turns to look at her. He wants to see anger and jealousy. After all, she did just pour iced coffee all over a girl’s head. But instead, all he sees is irritation. But at least that’s something.

“What was that?”

That was him flirting with the new girl. But he knows that’s not what she was asking. But he also can’t tell her that he was trying to force her to feel… something, anything. He can’t tell her that he’s frustrated. That he wants his girlfriend back. “It was nothing.”

Jade rolls her eyes and opens her locker. She switches out her books before slamming the door closed. She starts to walk away before she turns back to him. “You coming?” Beck knows by her tone that whatever irritation she was feeling a minute ago is gone now, but he still searches her eyes. The only thing left is exhaustion. 

Beck pushes himself away from the wall. “Yeah, of course.” Once he gets close enough she laces her fingers with his and he feels some small measure of comfort in that.

* * *

“Jade!” Beck stops as he glares at his girlfriend. “If you’re not going to say something the least you could do is look at me while I argue with myself.”

Jade sighs and turns to look at Beck. He’s anxiously pacing in front of her. Just looking at him makes her tired. “Better?’

Beck pauses as he studies her. She’s sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall with her knees up. Everything about her looks heavy like gravity is pulling more on her than anything else in the room. He takes a deep breath and walks over to her. He sits down next to her, copying her position. He leans his head against the wall and closes his eyes. “I thought it would help.”

“You know it doesn’t work that way.”

“I know.” Beck runs his fingers through his hair. “I just… you’ve been this way for months and usually, it doesn’t stay this way for so long and I just thought that… I don’t know what I thought.”

“You thought it would be a catalyst.” Beck looks over at her and meets her stare. “That maybe we could move on from this phase.”

“It seemed like maybe it was working yesterday. And I just thought that if I pushed it a step further that maybe something would, I don’t know, shift.” He knows that’s not how it works. That there’s nothing he could do that would positively shift this. He knows from experience that something like this could even make it worse. “I’m sorry. I just...miss you.” He shrugs helplessly.

Jade leans her head against his arm. “Me too.”

Beck kisses the top of her head. He doesn’t know what else to do. He just wants to connect with her again, but he knows that as long as she feels like this there’s nothing he can do.

* * *

**The Bird Scene**

Beck almost feels like today could be a good day. Jade doesn’t have her wall up quite as high as usual and he thinks that maybe this will be a start. And then Tori does the bird scene. 

“Oh, come on! How am I supposed to do the scene right if no one will tell me what I did wrong? I thought you guys were my friends,” Tori whined.

Jade is leaning into him and if he’s honest he’s not paying a lot of attention to Tori. But Jade is. “I’m not your friend.” Beck resists rolling his eyes as he follows Jade over to the vending machine. He’s not annoyed that she was mean. He’s annoyed because his talented, complex girlfriend will be acting out a caricature of herself once again.

“Do you have to do this today?” No one is close enough to hear him, but he whispers anyway. 

“Do what?” She’s not even looking at him. More concerned with picking out a drink.

He tugs on the hand he’s still holding. “Jade.” 

She glances over at him and sees his pleading expression. “Beck, just leave it alone.”

“No, just… we can just do us today, okay? We can skip the classes we don’t have together and eat lunch alone and we don’t have to talk to anyone else. Today can just be us.” 

Jade squeezes his hand and says, “I can’t. Not today.”

Beck feels his heart sink, but he nods. She’s never explained to him what exactly the difference is between a day they can just do them and a day she needs to play the caricature of herself. But he knows better than to push, so he turns his attention back over to their group of friends. “Number one rule of the bird scene: No one’s allowed to help you.”

* * *

He offers to show Tori his locker. He knows that he hasn’t been that great at making her feel welcome. He’s spent too much using Tori to get a reaction out of Jade and then being annoyed with Tori for making it so easy for Jade to slip into the one-dimensional impression Tori has of her. But she’s new and nice and could be a good friend if he just stopped putting her in the middle of his relationship. 

“Clear?” Tori looks confused and unimpressed. 

“Transparent. I’ve got no secrets and neither does my locker.” When he first started at Hollywood Arts this was true.

“But, ugh, that is creative and deep.” It’s also a lie now. He thinks that once he started going along with Jade’s act and started lying to their friends and teachers to cover for Jade is when that stopped being true. Because even though the secret isn’t his, he’s been hiding it for over a year.

“Yeah.” He shrugs. Maybe showing Tori his locker wasn’t the best way to make nice. Because now he kind of blames her for making him lie about his locker. It’s been so long since he decorated it that he hasn’t had to explain it to anyone since it became untrue.

* * *

Beck figures he should try again with Tori, so when Jade mentions going out to eat he invites her. It would be good for him and for Jade to start getting used to Tori because he has a feeling she isn’t going anywhere based on how much Andre and Cat like her.

But when he turns around to follow the group out, Jade is glaring at him. He knows Tori assumes it’s because she’s jealous, but he’s not sure. She could be faking it. She could have wanted it to just be them. Or she could actually be jealous. He has to remember to ask her later.


	2. Stage Fighting & Jade Dumps Beck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression.

**Stage Fighting**

Beck sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. He’s sitting on the girl’s bathroom counter while Jade wipes off the black-eye makeup. “Why’d you fake it?”

Jade wets another paper towel. “I wanted to feel like you still cared.”

He can’t keep doing this with her. He cares so fucking much and no matter what he does or how he says it, it never sticks. “My voice has to mean more than the one in your head, okay? At least when it comes to how much I love you.”

She doesn’t respond and just when he’s debating about whether to say it again, she whispers, “I love you too.”

* * *

**Jade Dumps Beck**

Beck rolls his eyes as Jade follows him down the main stairs. “We’re not done talking about this!”

“I am,” he calls back. Jade can’t seriously be mad at him for making new friends. Especially when she’s been so emotionally distant. He needs someone to hang out with who doesn’t know Jade or the rest of their friends. Someone who he doesn’t have to hide Jade’s secret from. Not that he would ever tell Alyssa, but not having to watch his every word in case it might tip someone off is a huge weight off his shoulders. That’s why he’d taken up yoga to begin with.

Beck hears his phone beep. Jade’s haughty comment follows soon after. Of course, it’s another text from Alyssa. He agrees that Alyssa is texting him way too often considering they just met and he has a girlfriend, but he’s never going to concede that in the middle of their school with everyone staring at them.

If Beck is being honest, he’s not paying much attention to their fight. He doesn’t know why Jade is picking this fight and he doesn’t really care. He figures that if he doesn’t feed into it, it’ll fizzle out by lunch.

But then he hears Jade declare, “We’re done.”

Beck stands there in shock. He’s vaguely aware he’s still talking, but it’s all autopilot.

Did she really just break up with him over this? A few text messages is what she’s going to leave him over? After all of the fights and compromises they’ve made in order to make this relationship work, she’s leaving him over some girl? Beck turns around and yells after her, “You’re being ridiculous!”

“What do you care? I’m not your girlfriend anymore!” And then she’s gone.

* * *

Beck sighs as he sits down on the curb outside the school. He checks his phone on the very unlikely chance that he missed a text from Cat. But there are only his unanswered texts.

come on. just tell me she’s okay

cat please

i miss her

He stares at the screen for a few minutes, hoping Cat will take pity on him. But he knows it’s not likely. Cat is Jade’s best friend. Every fight they had ever had, Cat had always taken Jade’s side. Most of the time he’s glad Cat is so loyal. Jade needs that in her life, but right now, he’d appreciate a text. He perks up as his phone vibrates with a text from Andre. Maybe he found her. Both Jade and Cat had been noticeably absent from all of their shared classes. 

Can’t find her. Sorry man

He’d hoped that she’d just been avoiding him, but she must have left right after their fight. He refuses to think of it as a breakup.

* * *

Jade takes a deep breath before lightly knocking on Beck’s door. Her pride hopes he won’t hear and she can turn around and drive away telling herself she tried, but the part of her that loves him refuses to let her leave. Then the door creaks as it opens. “Hi.”

“What are you doing here, Jade?”

Jade stares at him. She can see relief in his eyes, but he keeps his face unreadable. “Aren’t you going to let me in?”

“I thought you weren’t my girlfriend anymore.” There’s a bitterness in his tone that Jade isn’t used to hearing.

Jade breaks away from his eyes. “I’m sorry, okay?” She looks up and decides to just go for it. If she was going to ignore her pride, she might as well stomp all over it. “I should never have accused you of lying or picked a fight or broken up with you. I didn’t mean it and it was stupid because I could have just talked to you and I’m sorry. And I love you.”

Beck studies her face. He wants to see pain or desperation or something that tells him this tore her up inside the way it did him. “Did you even feel it?”

Jade’s face scrunches up in confusion.“Feel what?”

“We broke up- no, you dumped me. Two years down the drain. And it’s been eating at me for the last two days. I haven’t slept, I’m crying more hours than I’m not, and I’m stalking our friends trying to get you to talk to me.” Beck looks her up and down disdainfully. Her hair is freshly washed, her makeup impeccable, blue hair extensions. Her eyes don’t even look red or puffy. “And you look fine.”

Jade takes a step forward. “Beck…”

He puts a hand up to stop her from coming closer. “Did you feel it? Did you feel your heart get ripped out of your chest? Because I did. You ruined a relationship we have spent years developing into something real and lasting. And then you threw it away without blinking.”

“That’s not what happened.” He can’t blame this all on her. Not like this.

“I don’t think you felt it.” Beck feels a dark chuckle escape. “God, if you didn’t feel this, how do you even know you’re in love with me?”

“I am in love with you. You know I am.” Jade tries to reach for him again. If she could just sit down with him, reassure him, then this would all be fine.

Beck pulls his arm away before she can touch him. He shifts his eyes to stare at a point over her shoulder. He doesn’t think he can say this while looking at her. “I can’t get back together with you.”

“What? Beck-” Jade feels like someone knocked the wind out of her. 

“I’m sorry.” Beck shakes his head and closes the door before she can push her way through.

* * *

Jade stands outside Tori’s house as she debates whether she’s really going to sink this low. She does not want to let Tori anywhere near her relationship with Beck, but Andre flat out refused to help her. 

Jade thinks about Beck and the hurt in his eyes yesterday. Yes, she is really doing this. She looks down at the kite in her hand and touches the running makeup she spent an hour perfecting. With one last deep breath to solidify her resolve, she knocks on the door.

* * *

Jade can’t believe the words coming out of Tori’s mouth. She doesn’t do nice things? A can of lemonade? What the hell did Beck tell her? Jade doesn’t have long to think it over because Tori’s talking about giving up. Jade grabs her arm and drags her into the janitor’s closet.

Somehow by the time they both leave Jade has talked herself into buying Beck a dog. Beck hates dogs, but she can hardly admit that to Tori now.

* * *

Beck can’t help the smile breaking through their kiss. Jade growls, “What?” She’s enjoying kissing him and Tori just left and now he’s ruining it.

Beck pulls back. “A dog? Really?” The thought makes Beck chuckle. He and Jade had always talked about adopting a cat, and he thinks it would have been a hell of a lot easier to have gotten the cat instead of this big dog.

“A can of lemonade?” Jade quirks an eyebrow. 

“Point taken.” Beck sighed. He tightens his grip around her waist. “All I wanted was this, us being us. I didn’t want to break up or date anyone else. I just- I wanted to know we were still in love.” He pauses as he works up the courage to admit, “That you were still in love.”

Jade smiles up at him. “We are.” She leans up to peck his lips. “Promise.” As Beck searches her eyes and finds affection and some amusement staring right back at him he can’t help the idiotic smile that comes over his face. It’s the first time in a while that he’s felt confident she loves him.

Jade pushes against his face as she says, “Ugh, stop being a cheeseball. It’s gross.” Beck just shakes his head with a laugh before leaning down to resume their kiss.


	3. Wifi in the Sky & Cat's New Boyfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think. Enjoy!
> 
> This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression.

**Wifi in the Sky**

Tori pauses as she sees Beck requesting to chat with her. She figures that Jade probably left and now Beck's being the nice guy he is and wants to finish the project with her, except that when Beck pops up on her screen, Jade is in the background. Wearing a towel.

"Hey, Tori. Do you still need help with the script?"

"Um, yeah." Tori can't rip her eyes from Jade's form.

Beck seems to notice her staring past him because he turns around. "Hey, babe, you're on camera."

Jade barely spares a glance towards the computer. "Whatever."

"So where are you?" Beck asks as he tries to draw Tori's attention back to him.

Tori tries to refocus on Beck. "Right, um, the mom just got sucked into the closet."

"Okay, so what if she ends up in Orge city?"

The next time Tori looks back over to where Jade had been, she finds the spot empty. At least she'll be able to focus now. "I like that."

Tori is starting to feel like they're getting into a good rhythm when Jade appears back on screen with wet hair and black pjs. She curls up and places her head on Beck's thigh. Her eyes flutter shut and one hand curls under his thigh as if he's an actual pillow.

"Tori?" Beck wants to call Tori out, but he also doesn't want to make Jade uncomfortable. She obviously just needs to be with someone right now and pointing out that Tori is watching them like they're a zoo exhibit will only make her feel like she can't be here. "Tori."

"Uh-huh." Beck rolls his eyes as Tori's eyes follow his hand as he runs his fingers through Jade's hair. It took six months for him and Jade to work out how this was supposed to work. He always wanted to know why she was upset and would get frustrated when she said nothing. Then she would get tired of arguing with him and just go home, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence the next day. He knew that it was creating a divide between them, so one day he just didn't ask. And she stayed all night watching movies with him and eating popcorn. Sure, she was a little quiet, but she was also feeding him popcorn and cuddling with him and trying to hide her smile when he whispered all the things he loved about them, as a couple, in her ear. "What page are we on?"

"Um, 9. Just one left." Beck sighs in relief. He doesn't think he can play nice with Tori too much longer.

"Great, so how about they all wake up and it was a dream?" It's the worst ending to a script he can possibly think of, but it will probably eat up a page and Tori can type it up without him. "You don't need me for that, right?"

Tori's mouth hangs open at Beck's abruptness. It kind of feels like he's annoyed with her, but she's never known Beck to be annoyed. "Um, yeah. I can do-" Beck's already left the chat before she can finish.

* * *

**Cat's New Boyfriend**

Beck rolls over and reaches his hand out, hoping to pull Jade closer and nuzzle his head into her neck but her side of the bed is empty. He cracks an eye open and looks around his RV. She's not there. He feels around for his phone.

3:43 am

Where the hell is she? Beck sits up and looks around again, making sure he didn't miss her the first time. "Jade?"

Beck stifles a yawn and scoots to the edge of the bed. He glances over to the bathroom door, but it's wide open and the light is off. Beck glances back to his phone to make sure he didn't miss a text from her saying that she had to go home or something, but there's nothing.

He climbs out of bed. Her phone is missing, its charger abandoned on the floor. Her boots aren't by the couch anymore. But her backpack is still by the door where she'd dropped it after school.

Beck pulls out his phone to call her, but it only rings once before going to voicemail. "Uh, hey babe. Just wondering where you are. Call me back." He feels a little rejected knowing that she rejected his call, but he's more concerned with where the hell she went at 3 am.

let me know you're okay. love you

Beck sits down on the couch and runs his fingers through his hair. There's no way he's going back to sleep before she gets back, so he grabs the remote and turns on the TV.

"Beck." Jade pokes him in the middle of his forehead. "Beck, wake up." She hadn't meant to worry him. She didn't think he'd wake up.

Beck groans as he opens his eyes. He must have fallen asleep watching Law and Order. "Jade?" As the fog clears from his head, he bolts up from the couch. "Jade." He pulls her up and wraps his arms around her. "Jesus, Jade." He kisses her crown. He can feel her fingers knotting into his tank top. He pulls back and scans her body, looking for any sign that she's not okay. Besides her eyes being a little red, he doesn't find anything.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

Beck pulls her back into his arms. "It's okay," he whispers into her hair. He wants to know why she left and where she was and what time it is, but he's okay with just holding her right now.

Jade leans out of his embrace but grabs his hand when he pouts. "Let's go to bed." Beck nods and lets her lead them over to his twin-sized bed. Jade plugs in her phone and rolls over to snuggle into Beck's side. "There's like 2 hours until we have to get up."

Beck nods as he runs his hand up and down her side. This is their usual position; her head against his chest and her leg thrown over his. But right now, it's not enough for him. "Roll over," he whispers.

Jade looks up at him, afraid he's rejecting her. "Why?" Does he not want to touch her? "Are you mad?"

Beck shakes his head and leans down to kiss her. "I'm not mad." He closes his eyes and holds his forehead against hers. He can feel her staring at him though. "Roll over." This time he moves onto his side so that she's forced to move. She doesn't seem to get what he wants though because she's rolled as close to the edge of the bed as she can get without falling off. He wants to laugh but knows that she wouldn't take it well right now. Instead, he reaches for her and tugs once he finds her hip.

She turns her head back towards him. "What?" She hisses. First, he didn't want to touch her and now he's being handsy.

"Come here," he says patiently. She moves back towards him a few inches, but she's not close enough. Beck scoots forward until his chest is pressed against her back. He winds his arm around her waist and kisses the back of her neck. For a minute, she just lays there, tense but then Beck feels her relax. Seconds later her hand finds his. She interlaces their fingers and brings their hands up to her mouth, kissing his fingers softly. "I love you," he mutters into her neck.

He thinks she might have said it back, but he's already half-asleep, so he can't be sure.


	4. Freak the Freak Out & Diddly Bops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression.

**Freak the Freak Out**

Beck lengthens his strides as he tries to catch up to Jade. She's determined to get into Hollywood Arts as soon as possible, and he knows why. She's been avoiding this conversation all morning. "Jade! Aren't you going to say something? You can't ignore me!"

Jade pushes the front doors open as she yells, "Not the place!" Beck watches as she walks over to her locker, barking at the couple making out next to it. He sighs and walks over to his own locker.

* * *

Beck glances at his phone as he waits for Jade to get out of the bathroom. She's been redoing her makeup for the last twenty minutes, but he doesn't want to say anything. With all the disappearing in the middle of the night, she's pretty cranky. He's pretty cranky too, actually.

He doesn't like waking up in the middle of the night to find his girlfriend missing. He doesn't like that it's becoming a routine for them. He still doesn't know where she goes or why because she refuses to tell him. Refuses to even have the conversation. He tries not to push her as a general rule. He knows that when she's ready she'll tell him, but he's getting sick of waiting for this explanation.

"Babe? Cat-" He calls out as he reads Cat's texts him asking when they're picking her up.

"In a minute!"

Beck rolls his eyes. He thinks that if he loved her less, this would be easier to let go. But he doesn't, so he has to remind himself to be patient.

* * *

Once they get home from Karaoke Dokie, Jade is exhausted. She kicks off her boots and collapses onto the bed. Beck waits to see if she'll find a second wind to change and wash her face. She doesn't though, so Beck goes into the bathroom and grabs a couple of her makeup remover wipes and walks back over to her. "Babe."

Jade groans, "Go away."

Beck takes her hands and pulls her into a sitting position. He hands her the wipes when it looks like she's going to stay sitting by herself. "You have to take off your makeup and get into pajamas, okay?" Beck doesn't wait for a response as he turns to his dresser. He grabs her black pj pants and her favorite black tank top to sleep in. When he turns around Jade is placing her used wipes on the ledge above his bed. "These?"

Jade nods and reaches for the clothing in his hands. Beck places them beside her instead and pulls her up next to him. He pulls at the zipper located on the side of her dress and then pulls the dress up and over her head. He figures that she can pull off her tights and slip into her pjs on her own, so he heads back to his dresser to get his own pjs.

Once he's changed, he turns around and Jade is already asleep on his side of the bed. He can't help the slight smile that overtakes his lips. He really does love her. And more than anything he wants her to be there when he wakes up in the morning.

He grabs the wipes off the ledge and throws them away before turning off the light and climbing into bed. He nudges Jade until she's on her side of the bed and then puts his arm around her waist.

* * *

Beck slowly opens and closes his eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness. He can't feel Jade beside him, but he can hear her. He forces his eyes to stay open and looks around. Jade is sitting on the floor in front of his bed. It doesn't sound like she's crying, but rather...choking?

"Babe?" Even with the little amount of light from the windows above his bed, he can see her shake her head. He sits up and moves closer to the edge of the bed. "Jade, what's wrong?" He can see her chest rapidly rising and falling. He thinks maybe she's having a panic attack. He slides off the bed and kneels in front of her. She's holding her head in her hands preventing him from seeing her face, so he gently takes her hands in his and pulls them away. Now that he can see her face, he can make out the tear tracks. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Jade shakes her head. "I'm sorry," she croaks.

"No, no. Don't be sorry." He doesn't know what to do. This has never happened before. "What's wrong?"

She shakes her head again and her breathing gets faster. Beck tries to ignore his fear that she'll pass out. "I can't breathe," she raps out.

"Okay. Okay," Beck mutters. He gives her hands a squeeze before laying them flat against his chest, right above his heart. "Keep your eyes on me." He takes a deep breath and holds it for a few seconds before letting it out.

After a few minutes of her trying to match his breathing, he's not worried she's going to pass out. However, she still can't take a deep breath. "We're going to go outside, okay?" He can't imagine this small, stuffy RV is helping anything, so they might as well try outside. She nods her head, but it seems disjointed.

He helps her stand up and walk over to the door. The door opens after a minute of fiddling with the handle and he helps her down the steps. She walks a couple feet ahead of him and collapses onto her knees, still fighting for air. He sits in front of her and tries to exaggerate his breathing again.

After twenty or so minutes, Jade's breathing has finally slowed down. It's not exactly even, but Beck will take what he can get. "Do you want to try to go back inside?" Jade shakily nods her head, so Beck helps her up. They take slow, but steady steps back to the RV. Jade collapses onto the bed immediately. Beck climbs in with her and hesitantly wraps his arm around her. "Is this okay?" She told him once in the heat of an argument that his arms around her and his skin against her's was suffocating. He learned later that it was dependent on her anxiety.

Jade nods and pulls his arm closer. "I love you," she whispers.

Beck kisses her shoulder. "It's going to be okay. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

**The Diddly Bops**

Beck cracks one eye open and sees Jade staring at him from her pillow. "You're here."

"I'm here," Jade whispers back.

Beck honestly expected to wake up at 3 am and find her gone again. He's even started to get into the Law and Order reruns. But instead, there's light streaming into the RV and Jade is right here for the first time in three weeks. "I missed waking up next to you."

Jade rolls her eyes. "You're a sap."

He wants to ask her what happened. Why last night was different and where she goes and will she stay tonight? But he doesn't want to push. When he pushed the first week, she just avoided his questions and when that failed she grew angry. "You love me."

"Sometimes." Her voice is light and there's a playful glint in her eyes. "So breakfast."

Beck allows a small smile to tug at his lips. It's been a long time since they've gotten up early to make breakfast together. Either Jade isn't hungry or she's indifferent. Or not okay. "Eggs?"

Jade scrunches her face up. "Waffles, obviously."

Beck chuckles. "Obviously." When he doesn't make a move to get up right away, Jade pinches his arm. "Ow!"

"You're not moving."

Beck opens one eye. "Neither are you." Considering that she's draped over him, this feels like a pretty good argument. But it results in Jade getting out of bed and that's not what he meant to happen. "Babe."

"Waffles, Beck. Waffles." She doesn't wait for him. She's already plugging in the waffle maker.

Beck watches as she pushes her curls, which are more messy waves now, behind her ear as she digs around his cabinets. She's absentmindedly singing as she searches."Beck! I'm not making these alone like some housewife."

She seems okay, human even. He can't remember the last time she seemed human.


	5. Wok Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be triggering. There's no self-harm or violence or sexual assault (and if that changes I'll let you know before each chapter). But this will explore the dynamics of depression.

Beck glances around the almost empty hallway. He’s waiting for Jade at her locker, but she’s late. He notices a commotion in the janitor’s closet. He peaks his head inside and sees Jade sitting on the ground cutting up a trash can.

He bites his tongue as he listen to Jade rant about her father coming to see her play. He doesn’t like Mr. West. He’s never liked Mr. West. Dislike is too weak a word for what he feels towards his girlfriend’s father. But if he shared his thoughts in the janitor’s closet, in the middle of the school day, with all of their friends surrounding them, he might not have a girlfriend at the end of the day.

* * *

Beck watches as Jade anxiously paces the length of his RV. He’s been laying in bed, ready to go to sleep, watching her for the last hour and a half. She’s talking, but she’s not talking to him. She’s just talking to talk. It’s an attempt to keep her anxiety under control. Despite how ineffectual it appears, the talking and the pacing and the general obsessing over whatever is making her anxious does work to an extent. 

Today she is obsessing about her play and her father coming to see her play. They’ve worked out a plan and everyone is clear on their parts, even Cat, so there shouldn’t be any issues tomorrow. However, sometimes their life feels like some kid’s comedy show, so who knows how tomorrow will actually go. “You know, he doesn’t have to come.”

She stops pacing and looks at him. It’s almost like she forgot he was there. “He said he was coming. Do you think he won’t show?”

“No. I just…” Beck sits up in the bed.”I’m just saying that he doesn’t have to come. You don’t have to let him come. Your play is going to be amazing, whether he’s in the audience or in a meeting in Paris, because you are fucking talented.”

“What’s your point?” There’s an edge to Jade’s tone. On any other day, she would be the first one to say that her dad is an asshole and that he can whine about how ungrateful she is somewhere else. But there are some days, like today, when she wants his approval. She wants to feel normal and loved unconditionally by her family. These days have been more frequent since Tori entered their lives.

“My point is that you are talented and you produce thought-provoking, entertaining material and he….” Beck takes a deep breath. “He’s an ass. He’s not just an absentee father, he manipulates you, he says horrible things…”

“I didn’t tell you about it so that you could use it against me.”

“I’m not.”

“That’s what it feels like.”

Beck runs his fingers through his hair. He’s exhausted. It’s 2am and the last thing he wants to do is get into a fight with Jade. “He’s abusive.” But he can’t let this go.

“Oh my god.”

Beck shakes his head. “He is. And you know he is. You’ve told me that he’s abusive.”

Jade whips around to glare at him. “I never told you he hits me.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Beck waits, but she doesn’t say anything. “You’re a human being. I know that you don’t feel like one most of the time, but you are. And you deserve to be treated like one.” Beck waits for her to yell at him or storm out, but she just turns off the lights and crawls into bed. She shakes off his touch when he tries to put an arm around her. The rejection feels like a punch to the gut, but he doesn’t want to make things worse, so he retreats to his side of the bed.

* * *

Beck turns the engine off and his truck goes silent. Jade is sitting silently next to him. She hasn’t said a word since he picked her up from the theater. Tori seemed excited and proud when they all met up. She said that Jade’s dad loved it.

“Are we going inside or sitting out here all night?” 

Beck glances up at the sound of her voice, but her expression is unreadable. “Do you want to go inside?” Jade rolls her eyes as she gets out. She slams the passenger door before stomping into his RV. He takes a few seconds to himself before following her.

“So how did it go?”

“Didn’t you hear Tori?”

“I don’t care what Tori thought.”

Jade pauses in her search for her pajamas to glance at him. “Do we have to act out a romcom tonight?” Jade continues to dig through his drawers. “I’m tired. I don’t want to-”

“Stop.” She’s not listening to him, not even pretending to hear him as she keeps talking. “Stop,” he yells. “We’re going to fucking do this. We’re going to talk about your dad and if this whole fucking night was worth it. I need to know.”

Jade finally stands up and faces him, her hands on her hips. “What is wrong with you?”

“Was it worth it?”

“He said he liked it.”

Beck clenches his jaw. “Was it worth it?”

“Stop asking me that. What does that even mean?”

“It means that I fucking missed the only night of your play, so that he could sit in that audience and give you his approval so that you could feel loved by him. And now I want to know if it was worth it. I want to know that I missed your play, that I didn’t get to sit there and kiss you afterwards and tell you how much better it was in real life than in my head for a damn good reason. So was it worth it?” Jade meets his glare with steel behind her eyes. 

“No.” Nothing changes with that admission. She doesn’t cry or deflate or get angry. She just stands there.

“No?”

“It didn’t feel like anything. His approval didn’t feel like anything.”

Beck nods. “Okay.” He runs his fingers through his hair as Jade returns to digging through his drawers. “Try the hamper.” 

“Why are they in there?” Jade grouchily calls on her way to the bathroom. “It’s not laundry day.”

Beck looks around his RV. “My mom must have picked up.” Beck steps out of his jeans and pulls off his shirt.

Jade’s head pops out of bathroom. “She what?” Beck gestures to the room around him. Nothing is on the floor. Clothing is folded on the couch. “I thought we-”

“We did.” Beck walks in behind her and reaches for his toothbrush.

Jade finishes pulling her tank top on. “Then what was she doing in here?” Beck shrugs through a mouth full of toothpaste. He spits and rinses his toothbrush off, so that Jade can brush her teeth.

“I’ll talk to her again, okay?” Jade nods. He stares at her in the mirror. “I’m sorry. I wish I had been there.” 

Jade spits out the toothpaste and looks at him through the mirror. “Me too.”


End file.
